


my dumbaconda don't

by loneified



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: :), Dance Off, Party, celebrate, twerk off
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 03:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3193925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loneified/pseuds/loneified
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>matt dumba decides that the team needs to have a twerk off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my dumbaconda don't

**Author's Note:**

> ♥ dedicated to evie & steph ♥
> 
> love u guys
> 
> inspired by evie, who came up w/ the idea

          Mathew Dumba decided that the team needed to see who was the best dancer.

          He came up with the plan after they defeated the Sabres 7-0. The team was feeling good, or at least better than before. Dumba thought that they should celebrate though, so he formulated the plan while they boarded the plane, a shit eating grin covering his face.

         Pommer looked at him and laughed, "Jeez, kiddo. I knew you were excited, but not that excited."

         Matt shrugged a little, the smile still on his face, "Hey, can you tell everyone to stay for a bit after practice tomorrow?"

         Pommer scrunched up his face. "Uh, okay, I guess? Why can't you, and why?"

         "They'll be suspicious. And I can't tell you." With that, Matt bolted as fast as he could down the aisle, almost tripping over Charlie's outstretched foot. He settled into the very back seat, taking out his laptop and started to make a playlist labelled **Super Fuckin’ Cool Twerk Off.**

         The first song was Anaconda, by Nicki  Minaj.

         Matt laughed quietly to himself, cracked his knuckles, and got to work.

 

\- x - x - x -

 

          The team had just finished practicing, and now everyone was in the locker room, getting out of their gear.

          Matt had beat them all, and now he was wearing a backwards baseball hat, spandex, and a sweatshirt tied around his neck like a cape.

          Before practice, he had slipped his iPod to a trainer, and asked him to play the only playlist on there as soon as he said the words, "Hit it Fergie!". All the trainer did was nod, giving him a look. Mathew brushed it off.

          Seeing that most of his teammates were out of their gear, he got up and strutted to the center of the locker room, clearing his throat. 

          The chatter stopped, and all eyes were on him.

          Matt clapped his hands together, looking at everyone. "So, I've gathered you all here today-"

          "Uh, we were gonna be here anyway?" question Spurgy. Matt shushed him.

          "As I was saying, I've brought you all here today for celebration." Dubnyk leaned over to Mikko, and asked if Matt did this all the time. Mikko said no. 

          "I've decided that we are going to start a tradition. I'm calling it, The Annual Wild Twerk Off." 

          Silence.

          "Every year around HDM, we're going to see who is the best twerker. The losers have to call the winner King Jiggle." 

          "We are not going to call the winner _King Jiggle._ " Jason said, trying to breathe through his laughter.

          "Oh yes we are. This years nominees are Jason Zucker, Jonas Brodin, Charlie Coyle, Erik Haula, and myself."

          A chorus of objection (only from the players nominated, the oldies thought this was funny as hell) rose up. Matt shushed them once again. "Nominees, please stand up." Matt said in a deep voice, and threw his hands up, as in summoning them. Jason stood up right away, seemingly excited. Jonas stayed sitting for awhile, but then pulled himself up, mumbling something along the lines of, "I honestly hate you." Dumba pretended not to hear. 

          Matt told the players who were not nominated to go stand and sit in front of the nominees, so they could see them better. The nominees lined up next to Matt.

          "Alright, Charlie, please, will you take the honor and go first?" Matt gestured to the center of the room, and that's where Charlie went. "Now turn around, so your butt is facing our audience." Matt struggled not to choke on his words, laughter bubbling in his throat.

          "Alright, ready Charles?"

          Chucky had a concentrated, serious look on his face, and he nodded.

          " _Hit it Fergie!"_

          Charlie froze for a second, laughing, his hands on his knees and his head hanging down. Then he got to work,

           _All the time I turn around brother's gather round always looking at me up and down looking at my (uh)_  
 _I just wanna say it now - I ain't trying to round up drama, little mama I don't wanna take your man._  
 _And I know I'm coming off just a little bit conceited and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it._  
 _But I'm tryin' to tell, that I can't be treated like clientele_  
 _'Cause they say she..._

He started started to twerk, and it was decent. It did have the team rolling, though. Some players looked on horrified, and some looked on with amusement.

          Mikko looked on with disappointment (also enjoyment, because it was pretty funny, but theses were the children on his team - and they were fucking twerking in front of them, no shame whatsoever).

_Delicious (so delicious)_   
_But I ain't promiscuous_   
_And if you were suspicious_   
_All that shit is fictitious_   
_I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)_   
_That puts them boys on rock, rock_   
_And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got (got, got, got)_

          The song ended there, and Chucky stopped, and collapsed on the floor. The team started clapping, yelling things like, " _Nice ass, Chucks!"_  , and, " _Didn't know you could twerk like that!"_

  Matt grabbed Charlie by the legs and dragged him out of the way, and looked at Erik. Erik sighed, and walked to the center of the locker room, turned around, and waited for his song. 

          Five seconds later, the song,  _My Humps,_ started to play.

_What you gon' do with all that junk?_   
_All that junk inside that trunk?_   
_I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,_   
_Get you love drunk off my hump._   
_What you gon' do with all that ass?_   
_All that ass inside them jeans?_

          Erik was absolutely terrible at twerking, and the guys looked on with embarrassment. 

_I'm a make, make, make, make you scream_   
_Make you scream, make you scream._   
_Cos of my hump (ha), my hump, my hump, my hump (what)._   
_My hump, my hum-_

          Erik tried to move his butt with the lyrics, and it was kind of terrifying. So, Matt shut off the song early, shaking his head. 

          Nino laughed, "No wonder apparently Bjugstad never took you to a club." Erik flipped him off, and went to go stand next to Charlie. Jason was next.

          Jason seemed to prance to the center of the locker room, and got into position.

          A song every body knew came on,  _Baby Got Back._

          Cookie howled, "This song is perfect for you, Zooks!"

_I like big butts and I can not lie_   
_You other brothers can't deny_   
_That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist_   
_And a round thing in your face_   
_You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough_   
_'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed_   
_Deep in the jeans she's wearing_   
_I'm hooked and I can't stop staring_

         Jason was not bad at twerking, at all. So, Matthew decided to keep the song going.

_Oh baby, I wanna get with you_   
_And take your picture_   
_My homeboys tried to warn me_   
_But that butt you got makes me so horny_   
_Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin_   
_You say you wanna get in my Benz?_   
_Well, use me, use me_   
_'Cause you ain't that average groupie_   
_I've seen them dancin'_   
_To hell with romancin'_   
_She's sweat, wet,_   
_Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette_   
_I'm tired of magazines_   
_Sayin' flat butts are the thing_   
_Take the average black man and ask him that_   
_She gotta pack much back_

         Jason was on fire, and the team was enjoying it. They were throwing chirps at him and cheering and clapping. Matt scrunched up his nose. He had competition.

_So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)_   
_Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)_   
_Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)_   
_Shake that healthy butt!_   
_Baby got back!_   
  
_(LA face with Oakland booty)_   
_Baby got back!_   
_(LA face with Oakland booty)_   
_(LA face with Oakland booty)_

         "It's true, I do have an LA face with an Oakland booty." Jason turned around and grinned, sweat dripping down his face. He bowed, and the team cheered.

         Next was Jonas. 

         A light blush rose up to his cheeks, and he looked at Dumba. Matt gestured to the middle of the room. Jonas shook his head.

        "Oh, come on!" Scandy yelled. Vanek booed. Brodin's cheeks were an ungodly shade of red. 

        "I don't know  _how_ to twerk."

        "Too bad, you're gonna do it anyways." And with a push from Mathew, Jonas ended up in the middle of the room, and against his will,  _Sexy Back_ started to play.

_I’m bringing sexy back_   
_Them other boys don’t know how to act_   
_I think you're special, what's behind your back?_   
_So turn around and I'll pick up the slack._

         Jonas, pathetically, started to twerk. Dumba clucked his tongue and shook his head, mumbling to Jason, "The poor boy." Jason just sighed and nodded.

_Take 'em to the bridge  
  
 _[Bridge]__   
_Dirty babe_   
_You see these shackles_   
_Baby I’m your slave_   
_I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave_   
_It’s just that no one makes me feel this way_

          Matt shut off the song, saving Jonas from any more embarrassment. Besides, he was a child, and this song was to inappropriate for him. Erik clapped Jonas on the back, whispering, "It's okay, bud, I'm on the same boat with ya." 

          "Now, for the grand finale, I'll twerk." Dumba got in his position, perked up his butt, hands on his knees and his head held high. He was ready, and  _Anaconda_ started to play.

          When the song started, though, he screamed, "My Dumbaconda don't!", and started to twerk it. 

_My Anaconda don't..._   
_My Anaconda don't..._   
_My Anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun_

          It was safe to say that Matt Dumba was fucking good at twerking. 

          It was like he was the male version of Nicki Minaj. 

_Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit_   
_Big dope dealer money, he was getting some coins_   
_Was in shootouts with the law, but he live in a palace_   
_Bought me Alexander McQueen, he was keeping me stylish_   
_Now that's real, real, real,_   
_Gun in my purse, bitch I came dressed to kill_   
_Who wanna go first? I had them pushing daffodils_   
_I'm high as hell, I only took a half of pill_   
_I'm on some dumb shit_

         Matt pulled off all the moves that Nicki did in her music video (Jason knew this, but only because he was dared too watch this video against his will, or whatever. No one believed him). 

         The team literally let the whole song play. No one stopped it. They just watched, and cheered him on. Cookie and Carter were the loudest. 

         Then Mike Yeo walked in, and the room went silent, except for the music playing. He stood there, watching Matt twerk. He was just going to come in here and say that the team had a good practice - he didn't expect this, he did not expect this at all. 

         A few guys coughed, but Matt kept twerkin' on. 

    _Yeah. I got a big fat ass. Come on!_

The song ended. Matt got up, turned around, and bowed. When he looked up, he was face to face with Yeo.

          "Uh, ha ha, hi, Coach." Matt stumbled over his words, his face red. 

          "I'm just not even going to ask." 

          "It's the Annual Wild Twerk Off!" Carter yelled.

          "Sure, sure."

          "Anyways, I guess... so, Mikko, would you like to announce the winner?" 

          Mikko sighed, shaking his head, before smiling. "You, Dumba. You win." 

          "Fuck yeah!" Matt said, turning around and sticking his tongue out at his competition. "It's now King Jiggle to you, guys."

          "There is no way I'm calling you King Jiggle," spoke Jonas, his nose scrunching.

          "Well, you are. Don't be a loser."

 

           The boys did call him King Jiggle for the rest of the season.

 

           Mikko Koivu won the next Annual Wild Twerk Off. 

           

          

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
